A new kind of family

To borrow the slogan from ABC family, we live in a world with a "New kind of family" family has taken on a new definition as society has changed. the traditional roles of father, mother daughter son, are being replaced with the roles of stepfathers and stepmothers, half brothers and sisters, adopted children and step children. our society is changing so quickly as the population practices cerial monogamy, and multiple marriages. Conflict and confusion soon follow when families do not have defined roles. Blended families often face difficulties attatched to the separation of power in a marriage. with these concerns of the "new family" in mind experts suggest a few tips to ease the stress involved in a blended family.
First they suggest that the biological parent takes the role of administering all serious punishments. when a new parent figure takes on the role of disciplinarian, children and biological parents take sides and create subgroups to exclude the new parent.
another tip is to have the step parent take on the role of an involved aunt or uncle. They are trusted to care for children but they are not the ultimate authority figure, and they must stay in good close terms with the biological parent.
Lastly experts say that decisions and rule should always be made by both parents and those parents need to support the other to the point of owning the policy. you can not say that a step father or mother has made the rule, but that you made the rule together. 
It is important to find the expectations of the role you are filling in a blended family and be patient to do so, it often takes two to three years to come to a state of normalcy in the new familiar model.

parenting

This week we talked about parenting in class. i had the wonderful opportunity of bringing a friend of mine along to class to sit in for the day. She is a non member and has very different perceptions on family and parenting than the rest of the class. This became very apparent to her when we were discussion the purposes and definition of  parenting. The class said that the purpose of parenting is to become  like God, and others said that it was a noble calling to welcome and rear Heavenly Father's children in this mortal world. I found it fascinating that the definition of such a  universal concept can be so drastically changed by one's religion. Then again, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a church centered on family. one of the greatest callings a member can have in this vast church is to be a parent. I love that parenting is seen as a privilege and a learning tool, for both parents and children alike in this church. I love that we are all given a dose of what it means to be godlike in the practice of parenting, God is first and foremost our father first.
on a more universal note we discussed the different kinds of parenting, Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Passive.
Authoritarian parenting is a parenting style where the parent child relationship is seen as a Superior giving instruction to an inferior. authoritarian parents give orders not choices, this can cultivate rebellion and distrust between child and parent.
Authoritative parents teach children through choices. they offer their children choices while presenting consequences and outcomes of those choices. They treat their children more as equals rather than as inferiors. This style has been found to  cultivate trust and open communication between parent and child, these children also learn to interact more successfully outside of the home.
Passive  parenting  is when the parents are detached and uninvolved in their children's lives. these parents either provide a lack of structure or they allow children to do what ever they like with no consequences. This style tends to result in children manipulating or resenting their parents.

When discussing family relations it would be a great oversight not to include a discussion on finances. A wonderful and useful tool for this discussion is the pamphlet called "one for the money" written by Marvin J Ashton. these can be found on Providentliving.org under the learning to be self sufficient tab. Ashton outlines 12 principles in this pamphlet to  help families learn to manage money. Some of these principles include, paying tithing, a practice that will teach both children and parents alike to put aside money for that which is important, this could be the first form of money management that your children ever learn.
Another principle is to learn self discipline and self reliance in money matters. on this subject Ashton writes, "Money management skills should be learned together in a spirit of cooperation and love on a regular basis. A disgusted husband once said, 'I think that in life money talks, but when my wife gets hols of it, all it ever says is good bye' to the husband who says that his wife is the poorest money manager in the world I would  say, 'Look in the mirror and meet the world's poorest teacher trainer.'" as members of the same family, we should have common goals with our money and we have a responsibility to teach our loved ones how to follow that same goal.
Another piece of advice that Ashton offers is, " Married couples show genuine maturity when they think of their partners and family's needs ahead of their own spending impulses.
Ashton also points out that 80% of divorces  can be traced back to issues with money. This is a sickness contributing to the destruction of families. The  more families learn to be frugal and responsible with their funds, they happier and the more satisfied they will be in their relationships.

Communication skills are some of the most useful tools a person can acquire. Communication is something you can never avoid, because there is no way not to communicate. So if we are always communicating, whether we intend to or not, what information are people gathering from us without knowledge?  A communications study conducted by multiple universities yielded about the same results every time, only about 14% of our communication is made up of the words we say. 35% is the tone we use and about 51% of our communication is through non verbal cues. this is huge! this means that those words we so carefully try to chose and control are only communicating less than a 5th of the message!
Communication is especially important to discuss from a family relations perspective because those components of communication get even more complicated when you add a few more people to the equation. not only are people picking up on your tone and non verbal cues, they have to decode every word you say as well. here is the kicker though, you encode your meaning is these words before they even leave your mouth! we live in a world that we constantly try to communicate through symbols we call words and actions. because we are not telepathic we must transfer our thoughts and feelings through the code of words, tone and body language. what makes this even more complicated is that we often don't share the same symbols with those we love. they may hear a raised voice or see the roll of the eye and perceive that we are detached or angry, when we may just be excited about the subject or sarcastic. Decoding can be a very tricky business, with the end result often being confusion and discord.
With that in mind here is my advice: ASK FOR CLARIFICATION!
make sure that you understand the pure meaning of what they are trying to communicate to you! This may seem awkward or embarrassing to you, but DO IT ANYWAY! before you react and become a victim in your environment, ask for a clarification, here is a polite and simple way to do so, " Am I correct in thinking that when you did or said this, that you meant ........" asking for simple clarification can be a way of cutting through the codes and empty words and get down to pure meaning. We may not be psychic, but we can be open and honest.
my last word of advice on this issue is that it is just as important for the listener to listen well as it is for the speaker to speak well. we need to let those we love know that we respect them enough to try and glean meaning from them.

family crisis

when families face crisis there are three major components that make up the experience, we will call them the ABC of family crisis.  A stands for the actual event, B stands for behavioral responses, and C stands for cognition, when  A,B and C are combines you are left with the total experience. The fascinating and complicated reality that comes with family crisis is the differences in the behavioral responses of many individuals going through the same actual event. Any given family id faces with many different experiences for the same incident, or issue. Because we are able to chose how we behave in any given circumstance, a family can experience the same event many different ways. depending on any given  individuals behavioral response, and their cognition, or thought process the outcome can be drastically changed. often times one person's cognition can act as a safety guard against further reactionary behavior. we will all face hard times, we will all experience trials in this life, but the man who becomes cognisant of the impact his actions can have will find the greatest growth. crisis, while hard is not always a bad thing for a family, we never learn form the easy times.
G.K. Chesterton once noted, "An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered, an inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered." we can drastically impact the outcome of family trial by simply becoming aware of our behaviors. when we behave in reactionary ways, others tend to follow suit, and this breeds selfishness and regression in familial relationships.
when crisis happens, and it will, the greatest tool you have to promote positive learning and growth is your ability to be cognisant of your behaviors and actions. You will make a difference, decide now if it will be a positive  one.

The birds and bees

This week we had "The Talk" you know the one I mean, the reason Noah collected the animals by towzies. You guessed it, we had the sex talk in class, and the most interesting thing I learned was this; the way you talk to your children about sex is important. It is important that you talk to your children before they hear it from someone else, and it is important that you trust them with the details that they need to know relative to their age. This could start by explaining gender differences to a toddler and then lead up to the importance of privacy. It is important that your child is prepared to understand the gender and sexual issues that they will be exposed to at their maturity level. Children trust you to be honest with them, so don't let them down, and don't be embarrassed about it. If you make light of the issue they are more likely to do the same. the biggest don't of all is, Don't be punitive when they ask questions. an angry or embarrassed outburst will lead to a lack of trust and openness with the issue. parents who are punitive concerning sexual matters do their children a disservice and put them at higher risk to be abused or experiment at younger ages. if you don't talk to them about sexual issues, someone else will, and they will not give them the same message that you would teach. It is crucial to children's safety that they be trusted with enough information to protect themselves. above all else open communication on the issue will cultivate an attitude of trust and honesty on their end as well.

Something that most couples do not consider when starting their lives together is the importance of a good beginning. The way in which you start a relationship can be the difference between comfort and added stress later on in the marriage. Just in the simple act of asking a father's permission before proposing can build a solid foundation of trust between in laws and between husband and wife. Many people don't realize the import of many steps in relationships. Such as who is present at the birth of a child, by sharing the experience only with those directly involved one can capitalize on an opportunity to bond and build relationships with children and spouse. Marital satisfaction tends to go down consecutively as each child is born.
Something most parents don't know is that a woman produces a considerable amount of oxytocin after she gives birth. Oxytocin is a bonding chemical, if a woman's mother, mother in law or sister is in the room when she gives off this chemical, then this time of intense bonding will be shared with the wrong person, a husband can use this to his benefit and counter act the separation that can occur if he is excluded. 
be aware of your actions, be aware of the possible consequences of excluding significant others from important moments and milestones in life.